My Only Hope
by LittletonPace
Summary: *AU/Season 4/ConMama* What if season four had gone differently? What if Claire had much more involvement? What if she took more initiative? What if she and Sawyer grew closer? Please R&R if you like :P
1. Chapter 1: What Happens Now?

**Chapter 1**

** What happens now?**

Claire held her son close to her chest and tried to will tears to fall from her eyes; but it was useless. She couldn't make herself cry and she didn't understand why that was. Charlie was dead; gone. He was never coming back. And since Hurley had told her a few hours before that he'd drowned in the Looking Glass underwater hatch trying to save them all; Claire hadn't shed a tear. Instead she'd decided to follow Charlie's final act of bravery; he'd told Desmond that the people on the boat weren't who they said they were. That meant he wanted the islanders to know that Naomi and her people were liars. So Locke was getting everyone who wanted to stay together and move to the Barracks, the former residence of the Others, until they could find more permanent residence. Claire didn't even have to think about it; she just walked straight over to Locke with Aaron in her arms. Hurley had come, too, as well as Sawyer, who left behind a confused looking Kate.

Right now it was early morning and the group was taking a break. Claire sat by herself on a large, flat rock and took Aaron out of his sling so he could stretch his little legs. He was quieter than normal, he hadn't cried in hours; preferring to suck on his fist then make any sound. The closest people to Claire were Karl and Alex; she was sleeping against his body while he leant against a large tree trunk. Alex's mother, Danielle, kept away from the group due to the fact she had Ben tied to a rope leash in her hands and no one was that keen on being around him.

"Hey, Claire." Sawyer's drawly voice spoke to her.

Claire realized he was kneeling before her; she'd been staring so intently at a patch of dirt on the ground she hadn't noticed anything going on around her. She blinked a few times as she looked up at Sawyer. She nodded once to acknowledge him.

"Need some water?" He held up a full water bottle in front of her face.

Claire nodded again and took the bottle. "Thanks." She muttered.

"You alright?" He asked her.

A wave of suspicion ran through Claire's body; she didn't know Sawyer all that well. When they first crashed he'd been a belligerent son of a bitch. Granted, over their time on the island, things had changed. He'd become a lot happier, Claire assumed that mostly had to do with his burgeoning relationship with Kate, but Claire was still uncertain of what she thought about him. A few days before he'd cooked a small feast at the beach and had taken care of Aaron while she'd eaten. They'd even shared a little laugh. But even so, Claire wouldn't exactly call them friends.

She nodded in response to Sawyer's question.

"I can carry him for awhile if you want?" he offered a tad unwillingly.

Claire almost smiled; Sawyer carrying her baby through the jungle? _That_ would be a sight to see. But Claire just shook her head, no. "It's alright." She replied.

Sawyer sighed; apparently annoyed with himself that he couldn't seem to find a good way to help her. "You need anything; holler." He pressed himself up off the ground and went over to Hurley.

Claire rocked Aaron slightly in her arms and let her mind wander back to how elated she'd felt only a few hours before. They were being rescued; she was going to leave this island with her baby and a man who was the perfect father for him. But instead she was staying on the island and her perfect man was dead.

**xxx**


	2. Chapter 2: The Next Step

**Chapter 2**

** The Next Step**

A day later they were at the Barracks; a small collection of houses that the Others had formerly called home. Now, they were deserted and somewhat welcoming to Claire as the group arrived. There were a cluster of houses in a sort of circle, a small children's playground surrounded by a white fence as well as a very homely atmosphere.

Locke stood in front of the group. "Until we get things a little more organized, why don't we separate into groups of two or three and each stay in a house for the night?" He offered to his people.

"Looks like you've got it all figured out, Dreamcoat." Sawyer replied snidely. "So, we gotta draw straws to find out who goes where?"

"I've already counted, James." Locke told him. "And there are a couple of bedroom's in every house; all of us will get a bed. Take some time to yourselves for now; I'll talk to you again in the morning." With that he joined Danielle and the two of them took Ben to the house that was further away from the others. Karl and Alex trailed close behind.

Claire watched as the group divided into pairs and threes and headed towards a home. Claire, not wanting to be left to last, aimed for the one closest to the playground. Not that Aaron would be able to use the equipment but for some reason it just felt like the logical thing to do. She noticed Sawyer and Hurley were the last two to head towards a house; they walked slowly behind everyone else talking in undertones Claire couldn't hear. She wondered quietly why Locke and Kate had recently been calling Sawyer by his real name, _James_. Was that what he was going by now? Did she have to call him James? Because she really preferred not to.

Claire entered her new abode with Aaron in her arms and gave it a quick once-over. It was one of the smaller homes with two bedrooms, a small kitchen, a living room that doubled as a dining room and a bathroom complete with a bath tub. It was one of the strangest experiences Claire had ever had, to go from sleeping in a tent made from singed plane wreckage on an extremely sandy beach to a warm, comfortable house with beds and plumbing; in a word it was weird.

The first thing Claire did was give Aaron a warm bath in the kitchen sink. She realized as she washed the specks of dirt off his small body that he had never encountered warm water before. In fact, he had never encountered _anything_ in this house before. All her son knew was the beach life he'd lived for the past six weeks. He seemed to love being in the water, splashing his arms at his sides and gurgling as Claire bathed him. She lifted him out of the sink and wrapped him in a clean, blue towel that she'd discovered in the linen closet. She hugged his damp body to her chest and realized he was an awful lot cleaner than her at that moment.

"Claire?" A voice called from the doorway.

_My doorway. My doorway?_ Claire asked herself. Could she really see this house as her own? She'd elected to stay on the island, but that was only until...well, until when? Until _proper_ rescue came? And who on earth decided that? Locke?

"Claire?" The voice called again. It was obviously Sawyer's Southern accent searching for her.

"In here." She called back. She dried off Aaron's hair, or what there was of it, as Sawyer entered the kitchen.

"Nice little place you got here." He said with a wry grin.

Claire only offered a tiny smile in reply. "Are you staying here, too?" Claire asked him, realizing this was probably the only reason he was there.

"No." He shook his head. "I'm right next door, with Hurley. You got lucky; this place is all yours." He smiled.

Claire nodded slowly. Although she kind of liked the idea of having her own space...it was also quite scary. Since the crash she'd never been alone. From night one, Charlie had always been an arm's length away, without her even asking him to be. Even when they argued he would still come and see Aaron every day; no matter how mad Claire had been at him. All of a sudden Claire became aware that she'd been silent in front of Sawyer for awhile now. "Is there something that you wanted, Sawyer?" she asked him.

He shook his head slowly. "Just wanted to let you know what was going on." He told her. "Locke is staying with Benji all the way down the other end. The rest of us figure he's out of the night so everyone's kinda just turning in."

"Ok." Claire nodded; she was grateful that he'd bothered at all to keep her in the loop. No one else had come by to inform her of what was going on. She wondered if that's what Hurley and Sawyer had been discussing; her welfare.

"Ok." Sawyer nodded; trying to cut through the uncomfortable silence that had surrounded them. "Like I said; we're right next door." He pointed to his left. "All you gotta do is call."

Claire smiled a little bigger this time at him as he turned around and started to leave. Aaron whimpered a little in her arms. Looking down at him Claire saw that he'd nuzzled into a muddy part of her shirt and now had dirt all over his face. "Oh, damn." She mumbled as she tried to gently clean her baby's face.

"What?" Sawyer turned back as he heard her voice.

"No, nothing." Claire said. Then she thought for a moment..._if Sawyer was willing to help_... "Actually, could you do me a favor?" she asked slowly.

"Sure." Sawyer agreed, coming back into the kitchen.

"Can you watch him for a few minutes while I take a shower and get cleaned up?" Claire asked. She saw a flicker of worry pass across his face. "It-it's ok." Claire added quickly. "I can ask Hurley to-"

"Hey; I can look after the kid just as good as Wide Lo...ah, Hugo." Sawyer covered quickly.

Claire sort of wished she hadn't asked him; he wasn't exactly experienced. "Really? Cos you don't have to-"

"I can handle it." Sawyer walked towards her and held out his arms. "Really." He added when he saw the uncertainty in Claire's eyes.

Claire sighed but she handed Aaron into Sawyer's arms without protest. "I'll just be a few minutes." Claire told him.

"Take your time." Sawyer replied as he headed to the couch. "We'll be here."

Claire, seeing that they looked quite comfortable together, went to her bag and grabbed her least soaked clothes before heading for the bathroom. In her shower she found shampoo and conditioner so she was able to wash her hair properly for the first time in almost three months. But even that excitement didn't make Claire feel any different; she still felt almost hollow without Charlie there with her. Sawyer was doing what Charlie was meant to do; look after her son. That was Charlie's job. Not because she _made_ him do it; because he wanted to. And he got quite jealous if someone else took over. She remembered when Charlie had been having bad dreams of Aaron in danger; she'd told him she needed some space, which he gave her, and then Locke started taking care of the baby when he could. Charlie didn't handle that very well; he sincerely believed he was the best person to be Aaron's father. And after all they'd been through, Claire whole-heartedly agreed with him.

Realizing she'd been in the shower for awhile longer then she intended to, Claire quickly turned off the taps and stepped carefully onto the tiled floor. She wiped the steamed mirror clear and looked at herself. She sure had changed since the last time she'd seen her reflection. Her skin wasn't as pale as it used to be; she now had a slight tan and plenty of freckles scattered across her skin. Her hair, which had formerly been a very sandy blonde, was now golden as well as about two inches longer. She ran her fingers through the cold, wet strands and sighed.

The high pitched yelp from her son made Claire's heart jump. She threw on her jeans and a pale blue singlet and hurried back out to the living room. "What's wrong?" She called before she laid eyes on Sawyer and Aaron. Truth was, nothing was wrong. The high pitched yelp had apparently been one of laughter. Sawyer was holding Aaron in front of his face and bouncing him a little; the baby boy seemed to love it.

"Nothin." Sawyer answered when he saw the worry on Claire's face. "We're just laughing." He stood up and hooked one arm underneath the infant. "You alright?" He asked.

"Yeah." Claire nodded, reaching for her son. "Just...yes; I'm fine." Sawyer nodded and handed Aaron over to her.

"Hey; guys?" Hurley came into Claire's house, knocking the door as he did so. "Sayid and Kate are here. And they've got some Asian guy with them. Thought I should let you know."

Claire glanced at Sawyer; he seemed relieved. _Of course he is_, Claire said to herself. _Kate's here._ Once Kate was around, Sawyer didn't really have any involvement in anyone else. When the pair of them had returned from being kidnapped by the Others, Kate had immediately gone back for Jack. Sawyer, however, had stayed behind and had gotten a lot closer to everyone at the beach, Claire included. But then Kate had come back and it all changed. Then he'd left Kate behind the day before at the fuselage and just taken care of Aaron; now Kate was back and Claire wasn't surprised to see him immediately follow Hurley out of the house.

Hugging Aaron to her chest, Claire didn't follow. Her son needed to be fed and put down for a nap. Plus she didn't like getting involved in the more hostile natures of her fellow survivors. She preferred to just hang back; let them do what they felt they had to do. No one really asked her opinion on anything anyway. Charlie; yes. But her? No.

"Hey." Sawyer's voice said as he walked back into the living room. "Will you be ok here for a bit?"

Claire nodded; slightly put off by his sudden return. "Mm-hm." Then he smiled and left for real, leaving Claire wondering if her thoughts about him were perhaps askew.

**xxx**


	3. Chapter 3: Confirmation

**Chapter Three  
**

**Confirmation**

As it turned out, Claire wasn't living going to be living alone at all. Kate had taken residence in the second bedroom in the house deciding that she didn't want to stay with Sawyer in the house next door. Locke had been less than happy to see Kate, Sayid and the Asian fellow, Miles, but they'd reached some kind of agreement. Locke allowed Sayid to take Charlotte in exchange for Miles. Kate had elected to stay behind. They had arrived that morning and Claire had offered Kate the spare room in her house. She made her a cup of coffee and the two of them sat with Aaron out on the porch of Claire's home. They were discussing Kate's trek to the Barracks when a loud slam caught their attention. Looking up; both of them noticed Locke storming away from his house.

"What was that all about?" Kate asked as she hugged her knee to her chest.

"Who knows? It's Locke." Claire reasoned with a smirk as she played with Aaron's fingers.

"Mornin' ladies." Sawyer greeted them both with a grin as he came over to them.

"Good morning." Claire grinned back; noticing his shirt was only loosely buttoned over his chest. Sawyer had been shirtless enough at the beach for Claire to know what he was covering.

"Mm…coffee smells good." Sawyer smirked at Claire with raised eyebrows.

Claire glanced at Kate. "Well…why don't I go make you a cup?" Claire offered with a grin as she got to her feet. Sawyer returned her smile as she headed inside.

Jostling Aaron in her arms as she walked Claire overheard pieces of Sawyer and Kate's muffled conversation. She distinctly heard the words 'Jack', 'spying' and 'pregnancy'. Claire's heart fluttered a little. _Kate was pregnant?!_ She knew the two of them were together but…. Swallowing hard, Claire filled a mug with hot water, careful to keep it away from Aaron's grabbing hands. She stirred in some sugar before heading back outside with the mug. Sawyer was gone and Kate was on her feet; watching Locke's house intently.

"What's going on?" Claire asked; aware that something had shifted in the atmosphere outside; there was a tension in the air that wasn't there before.

"Nothing." Kate relied; turning to her and smiling. "Sawyer's at his place." She jeered her head to the house next door.

"Are you pregnant?" Claire blurted out. She couldn't help herself; she was dying to know the truth. Is that why Kate had come back? Was she going to stay with them now?

"What?" Kate looked like she'd been slapped in the face.

"I overheard…I wasn't eavesdropping. Well; not on purpose…" Claire muttered.

"No." Kate answered with a grin. "I'm not pregnant."

"Are you sure?" Claire inquired with narrowed eyes. "I didn't think I was either and-"

"Claire. Believe me." She emphasized the words. "I'm not pregnant."

Breathing a sigh (of relief?) Claire nodded. Kate muttered something about talking to Locke and meandered away. Aware that she still had a steaming cup in her hands, Claire headed next door to Sawyer's. The door was open but she knocked on it as she came in anyway. "Sawyer?"

"Yeah!" He called back.

Taking this as an invitation, Claire came into the house and found Sawyer searching the bookshelf. "Coffee." She handed him the cup.

"Oh, thanks." He smiled at her and took the mug.

"Can I still call you Sawyer? Or do you prefer James?" Claire asked with a smile.

Sawyer laughed. "You can call me whatever you like, sweetheart." He winked at her.

Claire chuckled lightly and glanced around his living room. It was slightly bigger than hers and had a TV set with a video player on top of it. "Wow; TV. Y'know I never thought I'd miss mine until we crashed here."

"Yeah, well, Hugo's pretty happy about it." Sawyer told her.

Claire paused before asking what she was curious about. "Why is Kate back?" she asked carefully. "I mean...why now? And why would Sayid swap Charlotte for Miles? They're on the same team…"

"I dunno." Sawyer shrugged uselessly. "Sayid's always got his own agenda but he ain't never let me in on it." He paused.

Claire nodded slowly before Aaron squirmed in her arms and yelped. "I should, um, feed him." She smiled a goodbye to Sawyer and headed away. But then she got a rush of bravery and turned back. "I don't like being left out of the loop, Sawyer." She said in as strong a voice as she could.

"Sorry?" Sawyer folded his arms and leant against the counter.

Drawing in a deep breath; she continued. "Ok, look; I know everyone thinks I'm this fragile little girl who can't do anything on her own--"

Sawyer shook his head immediately. "We don't think--"

"But I'm not, alright?" She cut in firmly. "I can handle this. I can handle a lot more than you think I can." Thoughts of Charlie whirled in mind again but she pushed them away; determined to finish what she wanted to say. "I don't need to be protected. And I want you to tell me if there's something going on."

Sawyer, slightly stung by Claire's honesty and adamant tone of voice, stared at her for a few moments before only mustering a nod in response.

Feeling pleased with herself, Claire turned and headed out of Sawyer's house and back to her own. She fed Aaron put him down for a nap. As she closed the curtains to keep the light up she noticed Kate heading away from the Barracks with a tray of food. Curiosity rippled through Claire as she watched her friend leave. She wondered momentarily why she was so suspicious of all her friends all of a sudden. Again, she thought of Charlie. Perhaps he was why. She thought back to all the times she'd felt worried or scared on the Island, it was Charlie who had calmed her down, Charlie who had kept her sane; made sure she felt safe. She didn't have that anymore. Glancing down at Aaron who had already fallen asleep, Claire's eyes grew blurry as tears fell softly down her cheeks.


	4. Chapter 4: Questionable

****

Chapter Four

Questionable

Not wanting to leave Aaron alone while he napped, Claire began the mundane task of cleaning. The house was dusty more than anything else. She found an old rag and began wiping all the surfaces clear. It was calming to some effect; it reminded her of home. She was getting started on the dishes when Hurley came ambling in with something in his hands.

"Hey Claire." He greeted her.

"Hi." She replied. "What's that?" She pointed at what he was carrying.

"Oh, Backgammon. I found it in our cupboard." Hurley said holding it up. "Thought I could teach Aaron to play."

"He's a month old." Claire reminded him.

"Yeah, well, at least I can't lose." Hurley countered.

"Well; I just put him down for a nap." Claire told him. "Maybe later, ok?"

"Yeah." Hurley said in a disappointed voice. "Yeah, ok." He started to leave.

"Hey, Hurley?" Claire called after him. "I can play." She smiled.

They played for just under two hours; Claire beating Hurley most of the time – only the times she didn't let him win. She didn't realize how long they'd been playing until a knock at the door snapped her out of her Backgammon trance. Alex was waiting on her porch with a handful of old, faded baby clothes.

"Hi." Alex smiled. "I brought these for you." She handed the clothes to Claire.

"Thanks." Claire said as she took the clothes; finding some yellow and white sleepers that'd fit Aaron perfectly. "Where'd you find these?"

"They were mine." Alex told her. "From when I was little; I found them at my fath—at Ben's." she smiled. "I figured the baby might like something to wear."

Claire smiled. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Alex grinned and headed away towards Karl who was swinging on the swing-set by himself.

Touched by the young girl's kindness; Claire went back inside where Hurley was setting up for another game. They played for about another half hour before Aaron awoke. Hurley left Claire alone so she could feed and dress her son; telling her he'd see her later. Claire changed Aaron, bathed him and then dressed him in his very first outfit; a white button-up romper. He didn't seem to know what to make of it; he'd never worn clothing before. He fidgeted as Claire held him and collected some laundry that needed to be hung out to dry. She was struggling with her baby and the washing when Kate came inside.

"Here; lemme help." She took the washing from Claire and then came outside with her to help her hang it up on the clothesline.

Claire placed Aaron in another basket filled with clean blankets covering a pillow and kept him close by as she hung the towels on the line. Kate kept looking towards Ben's house; only half answering Claire's questions. Though when Claire mentioned she'd seen Rousseau take Ben down to the basement; she really seemed to pique Kate's interest. Aaron started to stir but when Claire asked Kate if she'd rock him a little, she got nervous and claimed she wasn't good with babies. Claire just smiled and tended to her son on her own.

"You're so good with him." Kate commented with a grin.  
"Oh, thanks," Claire giggled. "Y'know it's the last thing I thought I'd be good at, being at mum." She admitted.

"Well, you're a natural." Kate confirmed as she hung up the last of the washing.

"I didn't used to be." Claire said with a smile. Then all of a sudden Claire was hit with another rush of memories.

_'I can take Turnip-head for awhile...'  
'I'll be here all night...'  
'Only way I could get you to sleep in was to borrow the midget...'  
'I just put Aaron down...'  
'I won't leave you, Claire...promise...'_

"Claire?" Kate called for the second time.

"What?" Claire snapped back to reality, the realization of how she came to be the mother she was – how Charlie had helped her – still clear in her mind.

"You alright?" Kate, now finished with the laundry, watched Claire concernedly.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Claire gave her a wobbly smile as the wind suddenly picked up around them. "Um, I'm gonna take Aaron inside."

"Ok, sure." Kate nodded.

Claire headed towards back inside. As she climbed the stairs she saw something in the window next door. Glancing over, she saw that it was Sawyer and he was smiling. Claire waved back and then walked inside, her heart fluttering a little.

**xxx**

That night, both Claire and Kate decided to forego Locke's dinner that he'd claimed he was cooking for everyone and stayed in their own house. Kate found some _DHARMA Mac&Cheese_ and cooked it for them. After they'd had dinner and Claire had put Aaron down for the night, she set about helping Kate get settled and took her one of the extra blankets from her room. As they set up Kate's room, Claire inquired as to why she didn't want to move in with him.

"He's right next door." Claire spoke carefully. Kate tended to get touchy when talking about Sawyer. And Jack, for that matter. "I don't mind staying with Hurley."

"It's ok, Claire." Kate told her. "I don't want to live with him."

"Well…you've pretty much been living with him at the beach…" Claire hadn't meant to sound harsh but it seemed to come off that way.

"Yeah, well. It's different." Kate said hurriedly as she laid down the blanket. "Goodnight, Claire." She mumbled.

"Night." Claire muttered before Kate shut the door to her bedroom. She headed back into the living room. She hadn't meant to offend Kate and didn't think she had. But Kate's attitude said different.

Finding a wide selection of books on her book shelf, Claire selected one and started reading on the couch. She hadn't realized she'd fallen asleep until she heard footsteps creaking on the floorboards. She was so used to waves crashing and morning birds chirping that the sound of a shoe on a floorboard was almost foreign. She opened her eyes in time to see Kate disappear out of her room and down the hall. She then heard her friend quietly open and shut the front door.

Claire rubbed her eyes as she sat up. The first thing she did was check Aaron; he was fine – still sleeping soundly. She then double-checked Kate's room to be sure; her friend wasn't there and the bed hadn't been slept in. Claire glanced out the window of Kate's room and saw that the lights in half of the houses around her were turned off. Suddenly Aaron woke up screaming. It gave Claire such a shock that she jumped.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" She asked him as she lifted him up. "Did you have a nightmare?" She kissed his forehead and began rocking him back and forth on the spot. She didn't want to wake him up too much. She knew that if she kept rocking him slowly he'd drift back to sleep. It didn't take very long. In about five minutes he was out for the count again. Claire lowered her baby back in his bed, watched him to make sure he didn't wake up, and then left him alone. She was about to see if she had something clean and comfortable to sleep in when there was a knock at her door.

Claire ran on her tiptoes to answer it. She didn't want to Aaron to wake for a second time or he wouldn't go back to sleep and then be grizzly all the next day. Claire opened the door as quietly as she could and was very shocked to see Sawyer on her front step with Backgammon in his hands. "Sawyer?"

"Kate's gonna go get Miles from the boathouse and bring him up to talk with Ben.  
Sawyer said quickly. "I'm gonna keep Locke occupied with this," he lifted up the backgammon board. "Then let it slip that Kate's taking Ben to Miles when in fact it's the other way round. Only Jonny ain't gonna know that. That gives her all the time she needs to sneak Miles into Locke's basement and find out whatever it is she's so eager to find out."

Claire was completely confused. "What...why are you-"

"You said you didn't like bein' outta the loop." Sawyer reminded her. "Well, now consider yourself _in _the loop." He smiled nervously then sauntered off her porch and quickly over to Locke's.

Claire watched, still puzzled, as Locke let Sawyer into his house and shut the door. Then she shut her own front door and headed back towards her bedroom. She went over what had just happened in her head. There was nothing she could do to stop or help what was going on, not with Aaron to take care of...but she was grateful that at least she knew what was going on. Granted, Locke would be pissed if she knew and didn't tell him...but how many secrets was Locke keeping? Claire still couldn't understand why he was taking care of Ben the way that he was. She then wondered why Sawyer had let her in on things. Surely Kate didn't want her to know, why else would she sneak out of the house when Claire was asleep? So was it Claire's act of defiance earlier to Sawyer, telling him she was strong enough to handle things, that let her in on the plan? If it was, she resolved she'd be doing that way more often...

**xxx**

The next morning, Aaron woke Claire later in the morning than usual. The clock beside her bed that Claire was still getting used to claimed the time was 10:10 AM. Aaron wasn't even crying, just stirring away in his own little world. Claire got out of bed and picked up her baby. Out the window, she saw someone sitting out the front of Sawyer and Hurley's house. She pulled back the curtain and saw that it was in fact Sawyer and he looked very annoyed. He was chucking rocks across the ground. If there was a reason to this game, Claire didn't see it. She quickly changed out of the old t-shirt she'd slept in and into some jeans and a green shirt before gathering up Aaron and heading outside. Ideally she would have liked to shower, but for some reason talking to Sawyer took precedence. She had to find out what happened. Something bad; considering his expression.

"Morning." Claire said with a grin as she approached him.

He looked up at her and nodded but didn't say anything. The cute smile that had played on his lips the morning before when he'd greeted herself and Kate while they had coffee was nowhere to be seen.

"What happened?" she asked him, realizing she hadn't even bothered to see if Kate was still in the house before she'd left.

"Kate's gone." He muttered, chucking another rock across the ground.

"Gone?" Claire sank onto the step beside Sawyer and gathered Aaron on her lap. "Why? Wh-what happened last night with Miles? Is she ok?"

"She's fine. She's heading back to the beach, back to Jack." He chucked another rock even harder across the ground. "Got all she wanted from Miles. Locke got pissed, kicked her outta Othertown, here."

"Oh..." Claire muttered for lack of anything better to say. "Well...what happens now?"

Sawyer shrugged and chucked his last rock across the ground. "Up to Johnny-Be-Good, I guess."

Aaron laughed in Claire's lap. She smiled and looked down at him. "Well, I should feed him, so..." She got to her feet. "Sorry about Kate." She added at the last minute. Sawyer glanced up at her but didn't say anything. Claire turned away and headed back to her house. She heard him move behind her and turned back. But he was just going back inside his house, not towards her as she'd hoped. Sighing, Claire went inside, trying to get her head around things yet again. Kate was gone. Back to the beach; back to where they were waiting for rescue. Did that mean Kate planned to leave the Island for good? And even if it did, why did Claire care so much?


	5. Chapter 5: Constants

**Chapter Five: Constants**

That night, Claire dreamed a dream different to any other she'd had. A dream that made her think back to their first few weeks on the island when she'd dreamt a strange dream of Locke with black and white eyes telling her Aaron was her responsibility but she gave him away then adding that everyone paid the price now. That dream still circled Claire's brain every once and awhile when she looked at her son. And this new dream was set to do the same. It certainly began the same way...

_...Claire awoke with a start in her bed at the Barracks hearing Aaron's cry. She got out of bed and rushed to her son's makeshift cradle, but he wasn't there. His blankets lay open and empty._

_"Aaron?" Claire called. She glanced out the window above her bed and saw a hooded figure walking away from her house with something in their arms. "Charlie?" She whispered. Then she banged on the window with a tight fist. "Hey!" She called out. But the figure didn't stop or even appear to hear her. _

_Filled with worry, Claire bolted out of the house in her pajamas after the figure. The sky was a bright gray; almost white colour with no sign of the sun or clouds in any direction. "Stop!" Claire called to the figure as she approached. She reached an arm out to touch the person when all of a sudden they turned around. It wasn't Charlie holding her son; it was Miles._

_"You have to protect him, Claire." Miles said holding Aaron close to his body. "He needs _you_."_

_"Give me my baby!" Claire screamed snatching her son from Miles grasp. She watched on as Miles backed away and retreated into the depths of the forest. The trees enveloped him as though he belonged there. _

_"Claire?" Charlie's voice called out to her. "Claire?"_

_"Charlie?" Claire called out to the surrounding forest; his voice seemed to coming at her from every angle. "Charlie; I'm here!"_

_"Claire!" Charlie appeared through the trees. He wore his faded jeans; his checked sneakers and that black hoodie with the hood draped down over his back. _

_A broad smile spread across Claire's face as she rushed towards him. She held Aaron securely in one arm and latched the other around Charlie's neck hugging him tightly. "I missed you so much." She said quietly as tears watered in her eyes. _

_"Claire..." Charlie pulled away from her and held her shoulders. His eyes were wild and intense. "Where's Aaron?"_

_Claire looked at him, confused, and then glanced down to her arms. She was carrying nothing. "Aaron?" She spun around on the spot, for some reason thinking she may have placed him down on the ground or, God forbid, dropped him. "Where'd he go...?" she looked back at Charlie. He wasn't there either. "Charlie?" Fear gripped Claire's heart. "Charlie!" Aaron's cries started again, this time far away but more urgent and longing for her than ever before. "Aaron? Charlie?!"_

_"Claire?" Another faraway voice added itself to the equation. Claire felt a tight grip squeezing her shoulders "Claire; wake up!"_

"Charlie!" Claire found herself screaming in Sawyer's face. His hands were gripping her shoulders trying to hold her still. "No!" She pulled away from Sawyer and realized she was outside in the middle of the jungle, but now it was daytime. Aaron's cries were off to her left; she looked over and saw him in Hurley's protective arms on the outskirts of the Barracks. Danielle was watching on concernedly as was Locke from his doorway. "Where is he? " Claire's eyes darted around frantically; he had been here a minute ago. It couldn't have been a dream; she saw him. She had seen Charlie; stared into his eyes and held him. He was real. "Where's Charlie?!" Claire screamed at Sawyer, her hands balled into fists at her sides.

"Claire." Sawyer approached her carefully with his arms held out in front of him in case she lunged at him again. "You were havin' a nightmare. Hugo saw you walkin' off alone into the jungle, we didn't know-"

"He was here." Panic crept into Claire's throat as she realized she was alone. "He was here, I saw him!" Tears stung her eyes. "I saw him!" She raised her fists and pummeled them heavily onto Sawyer's chest.

"Claire!" Sawyer grabbed her by both of her wrists before she could hit him again. "Charlie's dead...you know that."

Anger and fear rose through Claire like bile in her throat. She glared at Sawyer with ferocity burning in her eyes. "How dare you?!" she screamed and then she slapped him clean across the face.

Shocked by her outburst in more ways than one, Sawyer stood frozen on the spot as Claire stalked away from him, snatched her baby out of Hugo's arms and trudged back to her house. His cheek still stung from her flash of anger but he was sadly used to it these days. Being slapped by women was getting to be almost normality for him. But never did he expect to receive one from Claire.

**xxx**

Claire knew her son could sense the change in her demeanor. He was fussy when she held him and calm when she put him down. She set him in his bed for a nap before retreating to her bathroom, stripping off her clothes and heading for the isolating recesses of the shower. _No_ _one ever bothers you in the shower_, she thought. _They hear the water running and they leave you be_.... At least that's what she hoped for. Claire curled up into a ball and hugged her legs as the hot water sprayed all over her bare back. She couldn't really believe the events that had just happened had...well...happened. She was sleepwalking again? That couldn't be a good sign. Slapping Sawyer? What was that about? Frustration at him for always fawning over Kate no matter what she did, mixed with the elation and then depression of seeing Charlie again? Whatever it was, Claire didn't like it.

She wasn't sure how long she stayed in the shower but it was long enough for her fingertips to prune up or, as she called it as a child, turn into 'old lady' hands. She slowly crept out of the shower and draped a towel around her body. Aaron was sleepily chewing on his fist so Claire left him to doze while she went out into the living room to find the freshly laundered clothes she'd folded earlier, found a faded floral dress and changed into it. She was toweling off her hair when there was a knock at her door.

"Come in!" She called down the hall.

Moments later she was joined by Hurley. "Hey..." He greeted her carefully. "So...how are ya feeling?"

"I'm fine, Hurley." Claire smiled. "Sorry about before...I, ah...had a weird dream."

"Yeah; I got that." Hurley replied. "About Charlie?"

"Yeah." Claire muttered as she squeezed the towel around the tips of her hair.

"You wanna...talk about it?" Hurley offered.

"Hurley; I'm fine." She assured him, knowing full well that he missed Charlie as much as she did. "It was just a dream."

"Ok, well, let me know if you wanna talk." Hurley smiled, waved and left her alone.

Claire waited until her friend's heavy footsteps trotted off her porch before she let herself exhale. She wanted to completely forget what had happened that morning in the jungle, as though her shower erased everything that had gone on. She wanted to make it so no one had seen her freaking out in the jungle, that she hadn't attacked the person trying to help her, that no one had seen her weakness and therefore felt the need to protect her.

While deliberating her next move, Claire went in to check on Aaron again. He was still asleep. Thankfully he was much too young to remember anything that was happening. Recently that had begun to worry her; would he remember Charlie? She wished more than anything else that she had a photo of him to show Aaron as he grew up, for her son to have a memento of the man who fathered him and loved him implicitly from the moment they met. Instead; all she had were the memories she'd inscribed in her journal. However, she hadn't written in it since Charlie's death. Her last entry had been just after Charlie said goodbye to her and Aaron. She wasn't game to read back over her own words.

Sighing, Claire smoothed the hair over her sons' head and kissed his forehead. While adjusting the curtain so the sun didn't shine in his eyes, Claire noticed Sawyer leanings against his doorframe chewing on what appeared to be a toothpick. She remembered the hefty cigarette stench that used to follow him around just after they had first crashed; she assumed he was trying to deal with the nicotine cravings. He suddenly chucked the toothpick aside and that was when he caught Claire's eye.

For a few seconds the pair were locked in some sort of standoff, but then Sawyer raised his fingers up just slightly and tiled his head in her direction with only a glimmer of a smile; as if testing the waters. Claire was thankful for his gesture; he didn't seem mad at her. She gave him a full, warm smile back that hopefully let him know she was sorry. She'd apologize properly later; but it was still a relief to her to know that he wasn't angry.

Shifting the curtain to shield Aaron's eyes, Claire dug underneath her bed and found her backpack. Her heart was pounding as she set it up on the desk in the corner. Her fingers located the soft, worn cover of her journal as she tugged it out from underneath her blue maternity shirt. Pulling open the draws of the desk, Claire found a handful of pens and selected a blue biro. She opened her diary to the freshest page; unwilling to look back at her previous entry. She just wanted to write something else; something new.

_Well, I slapped Sawyer today,_ she wrote. _And had another crazy ass dream. I should start at the beginning..._

**xxx**


End file.
